Tales to chill your funny bone
by nostalgiafan2
Summary: Halloween is coming up, so I decided the best way to ring it in is with 3 spine-tingling and hilarious tales. You'll either wet yourselves in fear or laughter. Probably laughter. Happy Halloween!
1. Chapter 1

Story 1: Possession is nine-tenths of the flaw.

"Hey Randy, good match." Dolph Ziggler said as Randy Orton made his way down the hall.

"Thanks bro." Randy replied, walking into the locker room.

"Man, am I thristy."

Randy opened up his water bottle, and suddenly a strange green mist escaped it and flew up his nose.

Randy dropped the bottle, spilling the water everywhere. His eyes rolled to the back of his head.

"Hey man, what's up?" John Cena asked as he walked into the room. "Great match out there."

Randy turned to John.

"You puny mortals will perish when the dark lord rises from Hell!" Randy screamed in a demonic voice.

He then spider walked up the wall and exited the locker room.

"Umm... okay then." John said to himself with a confused tone.

The next day:

John was about to make his way to the ring for his match when he ran into Vince in the hallway.

"Oh, hello sir, I was actually trying to find you."

"Sorry John, no time to talk about your weekly raise right now, you have a match." Vince told him.

"Actually, sir, I was hoping to talk to you about something else. Something really important." John explained.

"Alright, I guess we can hold off on the match for a couple of minutes and cut to commercial. We can just give Mark Henry the jobber entrance. What's on your mind.?"

"Well, have you noticed something.. suspicious about Randy lately?" John asked, watching Randy rip apart and decapitate several superstars and divas further down the hall.

Vince squinted his eyes and looked carefully.

"Nah, he's always had those tattoos." Vince said.

"Actually I more mean the fact that he's been murdering superstars, devouring their flesh, and speaking in tounges and talking about the rise of Satan." John said.

"Oh yeah, that is kind of weird now that you mention it." Vince said.

"We should look into this." John said. "This arena has free wi-fi, right?"

"Yes."

"Alright, we're gonna have to look this up. To your office!" John exclaimed, running to Vince's office.

"Why is it whenever something supernatural and life threatening happens it's always 'To Vince's office!' I mean seriously." Vince asked himself, following John.

Moments later:

"Yep, I knew it. Demonic possession." John said as he stared at the laptop.

"Oh my god!" Vince exclaimed. "This means I can cut his pay right?"

"I wonder what it is this demon wants with Randy." John said.

"Well, I always knew this day would come." Vince said.

Vince broke a glass case that said "Break in case superstar becomes possessed by devil" and took a gun out.

"No Vince! Look! It says here the only way to get a demon out of a human body is an exorcism." John explained.

"Damn, I really wanted to use this thing." Vince said with a sad look.

An axe chopping through the door caught the attention of John and Vince.

"I will devour your souls as well as your internal organs!" The demon yelled as he chopped through the door.

John and Vince screamed at the top of their lungs.

"What are we gonna do!?" Vince asked in terror.

"I don't know.. wait! I have an idea!" John said.

The demon finished chopping through the door and knocked it down.

"Heeeere's Randy!" The demon yelled, laughing. "You will now feel the wrath of the prince of darkness!"

The demon was suddenly brought to a halt when John knocked him out from behind with the laptop.

"Ha! Take that you evil son of a bitch!" Vince said, followed by laughter. "Wait a minute, is that my laptop?"

John and Vince brought the demon to a hotel and tied him to the bed and called a priest to perform an exorcism.

The demon then woke up.

"So.. the mortals outsmarted me did they?" The demon asked. "No matter.. there is still no stopping me!"

"Thank you for coming, father." John said, ignoring the demon.

"It is no trouble my son." Father Catholic said.

"Your mother sucks cocks in hell!" The demon exclaimed.

"Hey! That is no way to talk to.. wait, were you talking to me or one of them? Because if you're talking about my mother than definitely. She was a bitch." Vince said.

Fathe Catholic pulled out a bottle of holy water and began throwing it onto the demon.

"The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!" Father Catholic repeated.

But it was no use, the demon was laughing.

"Idiotic mortals! Holy water cannot defeat me! Your attempts are useless! As are you!" The demon said.

There was then a knock at the door.

"Room service." A voice behind the door said.

Vince opened the door and a lady with a tray full of food came in.

"Thank you." Vince said. "And here's a little somethin' extra for your troubles"

Vince gave her a $2 tip.

"Thank you sir." She said. "And enjoy your stay at the Hilton!"

She exited the room.

John and Father Catholic gave Vince a "What the hell" look.

"What? I was hungry. Fighting the forces of evil works up an appetite." Vince said.

The demon started making strange noises, then threw up all over Vince.

"You son of a bitch! This suit was $1,000! I'll kill you!" Vince screamed.

He jumped onto the bed and began strangling the demon.

Father Catholic and John were trying to pull Vince off, but noticed something. The demon was starting to fade in and out.

"Of course!" Father Catholic said. "It may sound odd, but the only way to defeat the demon, is physical harm! Everyone, beat him as hard as you can!"

Everyone started vicously beating the demon. Using their fists, feet, chairs, etc.

"You.. you.. haven't.. haven't see the last.. the last of me!" The demon screamed, before leaving Randy's body.

"Randal.. my son. Is it you?" Father Catholic asked.

"Yeah.." Randy said groggily. "What happened?"

"You were possessed by a demon." Vince told him. "A realy jackassy one too."

"So.. you guys saved me?" Randy asked.

"Yes my son." Father Catholic told him.

"Well.. thanks. I owe you guys a lot." Randy said.

John smashed a chair over his face.

"Ow! What the fuck man!? I said it was me!"

"I know, but that was for borrowing my Ipod and smashing it last year your prick!"

"Well, at least things are finally back to normal." Vince said.

Suddenly, a bellhop possessed by the same demon burst into the room.

"I told you you wouldn't get rid of me that easily!" The demon exclaimed. "I will now unlease Hell upon this hotel, and the world!"

The demon laughed and ran out of the room.

"Eh, not our problem anymore." Vince said, shrugging.

Stay tuned for story 2~


	2. Chapter 2

Story 2: Comic Relief

It was a dark and stormy night in Chicago, and CM Punk was reading his favorite comic book, Batman #251.

"Man Joker, you are so badass." Punk said as he continued to read the comic. "No villain kicks more ass than you."

Punk was starting to feel a little hungry, so he set the comic down and went down to the kitchen to make some popcorn. When he was long gone out of the room, a strange lightning bolt came through the window and struck a page with The Joker on it. This caused Joker's eyes to light up. He then proceeded to climb out of the comic, bringing his machine gun and canister of Joker toxin with him. The Joker was now in the real world.

"Finally." Joker said. "A world where I'm free to wreak as much havoc as I please without the Bat getting in my way."

Joker picked up the comic and looked at Batman.

"Once I unleash my Joker toxin on this unsuspected city, I will bring it to its knees. Just try and stop me now, Batman." Joker said, followed by his usual psychotic laughter.

He then blew a hole in the wall with a machine gun and exited through it, completely ignoring the fact that he could have went through the window.

Unfortunately, Punk had his Ipod in while he was in the kitchen, so he heard none of this. He made his way back to his room, and dropped the freshly made popcorn to the floor.

"What the hell?" He asked in amazement, completely concentrated on the hole in the wall. "It's as if a psychotic comic book villain was unleashed by a lightning strike and now he's going to destroy the city. But what are the odds of that plot device?"

Punk picked the comic up, and noticed The Joker missing from a page.

"Oh shit." He said.

The storm had stopped, but there was something else outside that caught Punk's eye. A green smoke filling the air.

Punk jumped when he felt his phone vibrate. He saw that Paul Heyman was calling him.

"Hey Paul, listen, I..

"Great news Punk, great news!" Paul interrupted. "I got us a guaranteed Wrestlemania main event match!"

"Yeah, that's great and all." Punk said. "But I really..

"CM Punk vs Brock Lesnar vs The Rock vs John Cena in a fatal four way for the WWE championship!" Paul interrupted again.

"Awesome Paul but I'm trying to..

"It'll be the main event of the century! You're gonna dominate! Kick ass! Take names! Prove that once and for all, that you..

"SHUT UP PAUL!" Punk screamed. "Now listen, I kinda sort of accidentally let loose The Joker into the real world."

"Say what now?"

"I know, it sounds crazy, but somehow it happened." Punk said. "I don't know how, but.. wait a second. The lightning storm! It must have somehow brought The Joker to life!"

"Umm.. are you feeling okay?" Paul asked. "I think maybe you took a few too many chairshots to the head recently."

"Goodbye Paul." Punk said, hanging up.

Punk turned on the tv to see if there was anything on the news about this. And, sure enough, there was.

"A green gas has been spreading all throughout Chicago, making people.. laugh uncontrolablly." The reporter stated. "A man dressed as comic book villain The Joker is apparently behind this heinous crime. This man has stated he can stop the spread of the gas if we pool our money together and hand it all over to him. Well, rest assured ladies and gentlemen, this great city will not give in.. hahaha! Will not give in to ter.. hahahaha! To terroris.. hahahahahaha! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

The reporter was now laughing hysterically beyond his control. He then fell out of his chair, continuing to laugh.

The Joker then made his way into the reporter's chair.

"Hello people of Chicago!" He greeted. "This is a special announcement. As you all know by now, my special little gas is making its way through your city! Most of you are laughing yourselves to death by now, others will be here shortly. However, I can stop this gas, in exhange for every single cent you all have. The choice is yours Chicago!"

The Joker then pointed a gun at the cameraman and shot him.

"There's got to be a way to stop him." Punk said. "But how? How? HOW?"

"I don't know." Some random guy now in the room said. "Were.. were you asking me?"

"No." Punk said. "How'd you even get in here?"

"Door was open. Can I have your autograph?"

"Get the hell out of my house!"

"Okay, see ya'" The guy said, leaving.

"I got it! Maybe there's a way to bring Batman himseld into the real world!" Punk said. "If electricity brought one comic book character into this world, it can bring in another!"

Punk gulped and held back his tears as he tore out a single page of Batman from the comic.

"Sorry old friend, but its for the greater good. Oh, but there's no more lightning! How else am I gonna bring Batman to life?"

Punk thought long and hard, then came to a conclusion.

"The microwave!" He yelled. "The radiation will totally work!"

Punk ran to the kitchen and put the page in the microwave. He set it for 1:00.

"And now, we wait."

Around 27 seconds, however, the page caught fire.

"Oh shit! Fire! Fire! Fire!"

Punk grabbed the fire extinguisher and put out the fire.

"Well damn, that sure as hell didn't work." He said with disappointment. "God dammit! I just ruined my favorite issue of Batman for nothing! Son of a bitch! Oh yeah, and The Joker's still out there, that kinda sucks too."

Punk could hear extremely loud howls of laughter. It was getting worse and worse outside.

"Well, guess its time to give up. I had a good run. Better to become a laughing moron and die then give up my hard earned cash anyway." Punk said, heading for the front door.

Suddenly, Punk got a brilliant idea.

"Become.. that's it! If I can't bring Batman into the real world, I'll just have to become Batman!"

Punk ran up to his room, went into his closet, and changed into his Batman costume.

"I am vengeance. I am the knight. I.. am.. BATMAN!" Punk declared in a raspy voice.

Looking down, he realized he forgot something very important. His pants.

"Woops." He said, going back into the closet to put on a pair of pants.

He proudly walked out the front door, covering his face with the cape to block out the gas, then got into his car and backed out, destroying the neighbor's mailbox.

"Um.. I'll fix that." He said, speeding off to find The Joker.

After minutes of driving around, he found The Joker standing proudly on the steps of city hall.

"Have you come to your senses yet, Chicago?" Joker asked. "Or do I have to resort to hardball?"

Joker then pulled out his machine gun and started shooting citizens.

Punk put on his gas mask and jumped out of the car.

"Not so fast, Joker!" He yelled in a raspy voice.

"No!.. It can't be!" The Joker yelled in disbelief, "The Batman!"

"That's right! And I'm here to stop you!"

"Wait.. where's the Batmobile?" Joker asked. "That's not your usual car."

"Oh.. well, um.. it's being repaired." Punk lied.

"Fair enough. No matter! You'll be too dead to reclaim it anyway!"

Joker then threw a grenade at Punk, blowing up his car.

"You bastard! That cost me $47,000! Now you're really gonna get it!"

Punk jumped at Joker and tackled him. They took the fight to the inside of city hall.

"Oh Batman, you take life too seriously." Joker said, ripping off Punk's gas mask. "You really need to stop and SMELL THE ROSES!"

Joker then released the toxin from the flower on his suit, but Punk was quick to cover his face.

"Or should I start calling you Batfake?" Joker asked.

"Uh.. no, I'm.. I'm totally Batman." Punk said in a raspy voice. "Fear me!"

Joker laughed hysterically.

"Nice try, kid, but Batman doesn't have facial hair."

"Okay, you got me. I'm not Batman." Punk said in his normal voice, pulling the mask off. "But I'm definitely still just as good a fighter as Batman!"

Punk then punched Joker in the face, then uppercutted him.

"And since you found out I'm not Batman, I guess that means I can go ahead and fight as dirty as I want now!"

Punk kicked Joker as hard as he could in the testicles. He then lifted Joker over his shoulders and hit the GTS.

"Page for Mr. Joker!" Punk said, slamming the comic book shut on Joker's head, sucking him back into the comic book.

The mayor, who was hiding out this whole time, came out to congratulate Punk.

"Well done young man, well done!" The mayor said. "Thanks to you, that madman is gone, and we can put together an antidote for this gas and get things back to normal."

The mayor put his hand on Punk's shoulder.

"Don't touch me." Punk said.

"Okay." The mayor replied.

Weeks passed and an antidote was whipped up, curing everyone who had been effected by the gas. Everyone who died laughing from the gas, well.. guess it sucks to be them. Punk always kept the window closed during a storm after that. He also decided to give up comic books.

"Bullshit!" Punk said, reading Batman #2.

Oh.. well, he definitely kept it to a minimum.

"Not even a little bit." Punk said.

Ah. Well at least he'll always be there to save his fellow citizens again if they're ever in any danger.

"Never risking my ass again." Punk said.

Did you learn anything?

"I learned to keep the window closed during a storm, remember?" Punk said.

Yes, very true. But that is a very small thing compared to what you should have learned.

"Not really." Punk said. "It was leaving the window open during the storm that caused the lightning bolt to bring Joker to life in the first place. As long as I keep the window closed, no lightning can bring comic book characters to life. So I am free to read as many comic books as I want, any time, any place. So now if you don't mind Mr. narrator, please piss off because I'm trying to read."

Oh.. well, fuck you then.

Stay tuned for the 3rd and final story!


End file.
